This will be a heavy post. The darkness is where I dwell the most. The shadows deep inside corners of my mind, find their ways to manifest outside.
In people all I see is treachery; faces that mock maliciously. The dark voices that tell me to run and hide are the same voices that kill me inside.
Baseline wishes to not exist, I’m always ready to die. Sometimes my life can feel too much when the voices come along for the ride.
I take prescriptions to calm the noise. Biweekly blood draws, not one of my joys. Monitoring the lithium is needed to ensure my body and mind can indeed endure.
If I down all these pills, will they kill me quick? Or will I toil in pain until I end up sick? Lying in a hospital bed on watch. The hospital nurses keep my restraints tightly notched.
Oh wait…I think I’ve been here before. The doctor called me a chemist, downing alcohol, prescriptions and more. They told me I had social anxiety (later to be diagnosed as autism). That I lived with bipolar 1 and PTSD. My alcoholism wasn’t getting better. I was smoking to cope with life wherever, whenever.
6 years later I’ve found reprieve. The burden on my body and mind relieved. I moved back home to be with family. Through my psychological trials they support me.
Last week, I prayed for deliverance from demons. Not realizing that all along the demons were inside, waiting to wreak havoc on another season.
I was in a paranoid delusion, yet again, this time due to medication changes. The hallucinations came slowly and silently, the demons trapping me in their cages.
Agitated and alone, I begged God above for peace. Now that the delusion broke this week, the fear has begun to cease.
I pick up my antipsychotic today, in the hopes this won’t repeat. I feel inspired today to not give in to defeat. Whether or not I know the cause, there is a purpose for me. So no matter how difficult the pain I bear I know God will set me free.
Fin~
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