Dissociation, quick.

When I look back at my family home – or homes, as my family moved often – I see my childhood slowly being bled from my arms and legs. My body immediately prepares to dissociate, to protect my mind. The physical pain is manageable but my psyche needs extra padding to prevent more emotional pain.

In America, black children are often subject to ‘adultification’ or seeing a child as older than their mental age. It snatches childhood from many of us, as we were no longer able to make childish mistakes and grow – we were expected to already know and behave. It meant growing up sooner than our peers because the world expected us to. This topic is the main idea behind my first T-shirt campaign -Asleep/Free.

Dissociation is the disconnection of your mind and body, usually as a protective measure when a person is in a deeply distressing situation that they can’t physically escape e.g during a rape or during war. My home was consistently a war ground, ripe with grenades, land mines and psychological warfare. Home was never safe for me or my siblings, who I felt and still feel highly protective of. But neither was outside, in a world that disparages, undervalues, neglects and disrespects black women and girls. So I dissociated often, usually into a corner of my mind, but also out of my body during incredibly stressful events.

For many people who use and abuse substances this is the goal, to escape emotional pain. Brain chemistry dictates this doesn’t work for long, however, as the brain adapts to the substances, which leads to the person needing more of the substance to feel the same effect in the long run. This is how addiction occurs, when the chemicals in your brain controlling everything from your mood to emotions become dysregulated, the way you see the world and your behavior becomes dysregulated too.

I would be hard pressed to return to my childhood home, or to be in the mental space again. I value and am grateful for the safety I have been able to cultivate within myself. I would never want to jeopardize that. If I had to go back, dissociation would be my main line of defense.