A letter to my father

Dear daddy,

I don’t know if you remember but I used to write you letters like this as a child. I’m writing this now so you can consider how you would like to interact with your children.

Ema and I are autistic. It is a neurodevelopmental anomaly that makes our nervous system exceptionally sensitive. I was officially diagnosed last year and it has brought me a lot of peace knowing there is nothing “wrong” with me, or Ema, or mommy. It is why the things you did to hurt me still hurt. The force used to inflict pain was unnecessary because I was already feeling everything 10X more than a neurotypical person (you, Birdie, and Beth). It’s why the pain is so difficult to forget.

Ema’s brain has always been different. The reason I recognized this as a kid is because my brain is also different. I took care of his emotional needs because you and mom didn’t know how. I just treat him how I would want to be treated: with care and grace.

If you take the time to observe and listen, Ema has been through extreme trauma. Trauma presents more severely in autistic people. It is very emotionally dysregulating when emotional dysregulation (not anger – frustration) is already a struggle.

If you are willing to know your children and your wife, please google and read some research about autism and about complex post traumatic stress disorder. Many of the answers to questions you have about why your wife and kids behave ‘this way’ can be found there. I myself have done a lot of reading and have managed to find peace there.

Please be gentle with Ema. He is still your child. When he is frustrated at you, instead of getting angry, ask him what you can do. How you can help. Listen to him, he speaks sense if you listen to his pain. Our pain. Ema is an exceptionally gentle soul if you are willing to see it.