Contentment

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

“You can have it all. Just not all at once.” – Oprah Winfrey

I believe having it all means being content with what we do have.

My brain is a lil different from what society deems as ‘normal’. In our capitalistic society, if I were to base my self worth on how productive I am, my self worth would experience spurts of highs and lows, some longer than others. This is because my brain lives as an autistic one, with the effects of complex PTSD and bipolar disorder thrown in for laughs. This makes it difficult to work as much as a neurotypical person might be able to, because I experience burnout easily and my mood (and therefore, ability to work) is at the mercy of the seasons.

So…what does that mean? Autistic? Bipolar? What even is complex PTSD? All good questions, questions that would prove difficult to answer until my mid to late 20s.

For me, these diagnoses meant adjusting my life to accommodate mood swings whenever the seasons changed and therapy sessions twice a week to heal a neglected and abused inner child. Being aware of my moods and how they are affected. It meant having a treatment team that knew the terrors of my depression and included a psychiatrist, and most of all it meant becoming accustomed to taking medication daily. This is still true today and whereas I used to try running from them, I have learned to incorporate them into my routine. At least for now, they are a necessity. How could I possibly be content?

For me, these diagnoses also meant accepting who I was, not who I used to be. Learning to celebrate the life I have now, even if it is different from the life I thought I should have before. With self acceptance has come grace – allowing it for myself and others. I was finding contentment with my life.

When life takes you through the wringer and depression has dragged you through hell and back, it changes your perspective on what is important. Today, at the start of my third decade of life, I can’t help but thank God for the second life I have been given – my chance to educate and help others and their families find contentment as well.

Currently, I am a math tutor for ninth graders in East Hartford, Connecticut. Teaching Algebra to 14 and 15 year olds has been eye opening and rewarding. As a teacher and mentor, I know I have influence in shaping young lives. I take my role as an educator very seriously, knowing the role black educators play in the lives of black children. I pray the world is gentle with them as they move forward, so they can reach their full potential. Each one of them deserves the chance to have it all, contentment or otherwise.

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Is contentment attainable? Absolutely! Does it take work though? Very much so. The chance to ‘have it all is there’ depending on what it is and I think it takes work to be content. I think it takes courage to let go of what the world tells us we should want, and being grateful for what we do have.

I may not always feel content but it is a state of mind I strive for. Then, I believe, we can have it all.