July 6, 2018

4:53 pm

Sometimes voices tell me that people get fed up with my kindness and don’t know how to deal with it. Do I even have real friends? Do people actually care about me? Or do they want to care about me?

I should drink more. To balance the high. But I can’t

Sometimes it feels good to feel the anxiety.

I’m not struggling. I’m only pretending to struggle

I need to keep my problems and insecurities inside and to myself

Do I even actually care about people? Or am I just a manipulative person? That sometimes others can see through

I’m such an awful person

If I become aware of my self deceipt, but don’t know how to escape it, do I still have free will?

What if I’m a small person inside myself and myself is horrible but “me” is trying to be better?

Everyone would hate real me. They can pretend to like myself, the shell. While I am a ghost of me within myself.

Wouldn’t it make sense that we could influence the outcomes in our environment with sheer will power? If existence is quantum and particulate in nature? What if a thought, made up of tiny particles and tiny possibilities could interact with another thought and influence the future through that interaction?

At what level of awareness do we stop being aware that we are aware of our awareness?